We Are Never Alone

II

We are never alone,
but alone just the same.
speak kindly to those
whose path you never know.
alone they may tread
with shadows at their back.
the kindest word,
is the word never said..
a hand never held,
or a dream never found,
to be alone, but not
is to live in a hell.
the smallest kindness
brings angels to ground.

I am Never Alone

i am never alone,
you are with me
always
in the back of my mind,
swimming with golden fins,
in a pacing pool
of thoughts and memory.
if only not being alone
meant
not being lonely;
for your company and
conversation.
for touch-starved
wishes taste of desperation
on the tongue,
wanting for you
would be wrong
but right in my mind,
in the heart
of all things.
I am never alone.

Stuck

(does my loyalty matter?)
when i stay,
for nothing is said,
but falling
one-sided into an abyss.
this
never-ending torture,
staying in one place.
taking up space.
nothing i do matters.
and what moving forward
would do,
would you?
any sign, any word.
(a beautiful word)
any encouragement
would bring peace to this
mind
of mine.

Missed Connections

populating the earth
without company..
we glide by
many souls
on independent
paths..
pushing our own agendas,
but never
consummating,
we go alone.
into the world,
we breath for
a word
from others..
another:
a gentle hello,
a kindness given,
but never
committed,
or signal given.
a cup of caffeine,
the occasional
lunch,
endless time
flying by,
then returned
to a stall..
sinking..
into the empty field.
an un-milked cow,
an old horse
never ridden.
a book unread,
beneath the napping tree.
never quite alone,
but still
wanting,
and
wishing (as patiently)
for a bit
of understanding
and company..

You Are Not Missed

"You are not missed."
Some days I imagine a note being
read.
Red
from embarrassment
I can not lift my head
from wont
and dread.
You are not missed.
You were a mistaken gift.
A milk spilled,
a letter mis-delivered.
"No one invited you Charlie Brown!"
and yet, I..
live.
and breath.
and walk the earth.
taking up space
I did not ask to take.
Excuse me.
Apologies.
I do my best
(though it's certainly not enough.)
I don't ask to be more,
just not less.
The world leaves me
breathless.
The beauty I see
is all around me.


And there's so much
MORE
I don't know!
But I could hide
in a hole.
Where no one sees,
I could pretend to never be.
a faceless face of misery.
Why should I care if
no one misses me?
I was not meant to be,
but here I am.
Loving so much,
but some days
I just can't stand.
I want to curl up
in a ball,
(eat the whole pie..)
filling up
and covering down.
Keeping quiet and underground.
I would disappear and
not be lost.
I am not missed,
to be found.

Utopia

utopian ideal
i wish you were mine
mined for happiness
and peaceful serenity.
you making hands
and beautiful
figures.
i would keep you
like a friend, close
in the heart and mind.
thoughts like
rocket-ships
shooting to the moon.
come back to me,
and stay.
keeping always here
and there.
perfect in your humour
and roughness.
ideal patriot.
walk two worlds.
universal understanding.

What is Trust?

what is trust
when trust is gone?
what is empty
when not yet filled?
what is friendship
when thrown
from windowsills?

what is wasted
when waste is not
something you considered
gold or
forget-me-not?

what is honored
when honor is not?
when time is not spent
or friendship owned?
what is precious
if treasured not?


what is care
if not received?
what is respect
if no respect exists?
nothing is nothing.
and trust is gone.

Sleepless Pondering

oh I should sleep..
I am stuck & unable to say
what I want:
to hug
or hope
or know..
just wait.
maybe bang my head against
a hard object..
oh but if it was
'truthful tuesday'
i would purge.
tell everyone
when i had the chance
i like them
i love them
(NOT in a physical way)
and i miss them
because i do.

names and faces
smiling, crying, joyful mourning;
running in great circular arcs,
a ticker-tape of memories & thoughts
emotion in my head..
never ending thoughts
and feelings..
simultaneously working
and breathing and
functioning with
all your
incoming broadcasts.


switching gears,
i'd wish i could be with you
and say
we really could be friends.
that things are better
in the end.
patience.
we could be silent
and read
or walk
or talk fearlessly.

the need to know, to be.
to know you trust me.
not just in words,
but actions..
but also
in heart and mind.

content.

to know we can be alone
and, or, but also
together
and pass some empty time;
being away..
getting to know you
and hope you don't mind
me..

Honestly.
the juxtaposition
of feelings and then
being told
'don't trust what they say'
(they aren't your friends)
don't be a fool..
hold back,
restrain..
save face.


shame-filled.
hurting-happy,
busting with heart
un-held, hugs un-given..
joyful wide-armed
gestures of joy..
kept to my sides.
NOT because i'm shy.
keep it silent still but
truly,
there is a love for people
here:
bigger, better, and clean..
just waiting
to be given..

boxing it up,
tissues in hand
to keep it from leaking.

Things Remind Me

things remind me,
seize me suddenly
in one moment
I am blue.

one day at the bookstore,
camus,
but
especially sartre..
easy i 'get'..
but then other times..
random moments.
a book on cats,
impressionists or Mozart.
i try avoiding places
i know you'll be,
the children's floor,
a painting
behind a door..

still, yet..

someone but mentions you.
i'd want to cry, too easily.
random happy things,
sad things, crazy angry
too..(things
i'd want to tell you.)
thoughts and moments to share:
a crappy day,
a book I read..
a film about Paris.
a friend that made me
think of you..
random pears and tartes,
and violins.

questioning history
so much to share.
a spare thought
or millions..

happy-grief-bliss
passing like mist
through a foggy veil.
I get the lonelies..
then I trip
on my shoe..
my heart stops,
I know not what to do..
remembering suddenly
(even 8 years later..)
you aren't there.

oh! how i still miss you!

In the Quiet Hours

i think of you
even in the quiet hours
when time is a tick
and trains make the soft
woooshhhh
on the breeze.
i think of you when i see you
lovely in the light
the sun shining on you:
angel, halo, strong; might
i tell you nothing
and there is nothing
you do not know.
the world is beautiful
when filtered through your eyes.
and i can never be
as amazing, altruistic and true
but i think of you
and wish i could be
and know half as much as you do.
to know you.

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 20

#20 bad poetry

it's horrible.
this carp.. carpe..
crap.
no Longfellow.
no Whitman..
no Poe.

a joke.. yet here we are.
trying words,
verse? not-so-much..

bad poetry that
can't be fixed with rap,
repetition or rhythm..
rhyme, scat, or beatbox.

it's the stuff
shredders were made for.
and yet..

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 19

cows

dust off
the Meatless Monday!
i fill myself
(the vents closed)
the cattle yard
awaits the death
chutes
so we can fill
ourselves
with bull-
tri-tip and
no bbq..
mashed potatoes
and veg.
the smell!
disgusting.. and yet
we eat..
no stopping those
who want,
despite the drought,
the cows mill, queue,
die, slaughtered;
sliced,
cooked,
and served.
dinner.

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 18

homework awaits..

mindfulness
in the present,
my mind is somewhere
else.
the pleasure
can't be had..
til I free myself
of clutter.. quick!
i go back
and miss,
and read
and wait,
go off and
do.
and complete.
submit and then..
over.
done.
peace is had, pleasure
spent.. I am free
but for a day or two..
til the weight of deadline
returns.
oh me.

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 17

Slaves of Celebration

why be a "slave"?
there are so many
here on parade..
is that your favorite way?
to be a star,
limited, unafraid..
brave
in chains,
unable to do..
but feel all the eyes
upon you.
one of dozens,
not a big deal.
but sexy! staring boys wanting
is there power in that?
the feminine?
no mystique,
these chains
are not freedom.
perhaps
voyeuristic
others and
you,
narcisistic wont?

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 16

busted junk

you road.
you path.
you future.
you island of womanhood.
taking bright
balls
of light and death
each month:
bleeding
wishes and future
into one..
i am not you.
i am not empty yet,
but empty still.
i have nothing
but broken;
trapped,
working,
staggering,
torn tearing
empathy
of youth.
wishes
unfulfilled.
and i am ok with that.

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 15

Still Shiny

I know you are shiny
still,
because my heart is sad to leave.
I'm fine when things are dull,
and I'm sleepy at the wheel..
but when it's time to go,
I'm gone and that's.. OK.
but never knowing what or when,
and unsure of where things end
(up.)
for I have given and I give,
and gladly give, but wishing
wished.. the lovely shininess stay.
and be sure of you. and you, and you..
(and you..)
and not worry or hurt or pine.
and be sure and feel alright..
be grateful for the moments spent,
not worry away my empty time.

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 13

Winchester
san jose 99
august came with 13
so we all piled in
and drove up
to catch the flashlights
in the jinxed house
that the crazy lady made..
half steps,
tripping in the dark
new friends
old friends
a bit of a lark.
daisies were lucky
stained glass too..
stairs to nowhere,
doors hidden from view.
green parks and
tourist traps,
ice cream treats quite late
and a long drive back
break down
and suddenly carless
memories made
glad we came,
but was not so
lucky 13.

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 12

Green

green.
walking
the solid
footpath,
made by years
of pacing:
people,
wheels,
and dogs..
I think of you:
earth,
under-foot.
feeling a
wish.
remembering.
green.
sun.
sky-blue
light-filled
days.
happy moments
wishing-back.
green,
new
memories.

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 11

trust.
here is a hope
to bring to light.
to know
you
understand.
that never have
i wanted to harm
but protect
and know..
to learn
everything.
trust
is not easily given.
that
you would have
mine
is worth something
in my world.
that if I could help
and understand,
to be a friend..
if allowed.
trust.

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 10

This needs re-working & a poem a day doesn't really allow for that.. I was reading one of those memes about how if people cared they would make an effort.. they would be the ones looking to talk to you, to ask you to spend time.. that it wouldn't be one way, and it just reminds me that I hold on and don't give up on people as quick as I probably should..

How do you know if it's OK to care and when to just give up? How do you know if people are sincere? I agree, sometimes I want to be the one that's asked to tea.. even if I can't go. You get to a place some days when you're the one always asking to do or go or talk, you feel foolish, like you're throwing yourself at someone. In reality all you really want is be there to listen, or shoot the breeze, or share a funny story, or sit in silence and enjoy the company. I suppose there's no time for that these days.. which is why I say thank you for the time.. for the hello or the smile. It seems so expensive a gift to receive from people... and maybe that's why I ask.. should I not? (should we not?)


#10 care

that I care
should I not?
how to care for the human race
and not care for individuals
how to bend and not break
from feeling the wrongs
and feeling wrong.
for hurting,
for mistakes,
for wanting to make
right when no one cares
if I do.
If I don't..
care.
If I do,
am I wrong?
the silence hurts and yet,
as long
(as long as you don't say)
maybe it's better
this way..
not to care.
When you are gone
and when you return.
I want to wish you all well.
when you have a bad day,
I'd want to know..
I would listen if you let me.
perhaps
foolish that way.
for caring.
and I do
care.

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 09

Today's prompt was 'visual poetry' where one makes literal pictures out of letters and words. Great if you're into that and have the time. I have neither. Nor do I feel especially inspired. Since it's Thursday ("throwback Thursday") I figured I'd take advantage and post and old poem.. still bad but somewhat visual.

Some background.. In Feb 1997, I was on a return trip from a very negative experience moving all my belongings from New Orleans to SF and back.. probably one of the lowest times in my life where I had to call in so many favors to get my life back together. I had this small moment of utter clarity that I wished could have lasted forever.. An open door swings open for a moment, and you can see so many options in front of you for a very short period.. and for me, that was when I let go for a moment and felt so completly centered. Then I remembered how much money I had left for gas and I went back to panicing. ;) When the dust settled somewhat (some mistakes take years to fix), I sat down and wrote this poem, trying to recapture the mood and feeling.

Hopefully you can picture yourself in the middle of a dark expanse of highway late at night in February with the wintery chill.. and black ice warnings. I actually thought I saw some shooting stars.. but 'comets' sounded better at the time, I guess.. It was probably something else entirely.

Poetry explained is probably pointless.



#9 New Mexico Night (a throwback Thursday Poem)

new mexico night,
how pure and clean!
the crunch and coolness
of frost in the air.
lost beneath the black star-dappled
blanket of sky.
comets streak by.
my breath seen
the first time in years.
my lungs full.
my hands uncleanched.
my heart open.
under the cool, sweet embrace
of a spring new mexico night.
black ice.
open expanses for miles around.
infinity in my sight.

2 July 1997

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 08

#8 useless 2

useless, the word said.
reminding me of the other
and the day before.
i don't want to be
'that guy'
useless.
the one that got the boot.
he thought he tried
but didn't know how,
he gave up too quick,
or maybe he found
there was no satisfying anyone.
useless.
hearts breaking daily.
wishes unfillfilled.
but if you don't say a word,
how will they know?
i asked.
doesn't matter.. she said.
'useless.'
she gave up on him
before he even started.

what a shame.
..and I really don't want to be
'that guy.'

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 07

#7 Mindless (a reminder to myself)

mindless wishing
for things
that can't be had.
be glad
be grateful
be ever so..
mindless of things.
be happy
be joy-filled
be glad.
the things you have,
the luxury..
not everyone has
the capacity..
the energy to
take it in,
to suck it up..
to love and
over-fill the cup.
to be drained of
energy and
taken-for..
to lose face
and come back for more..
be grateful
be glad
be happy..
love has a
never-ending store
you can always..
make more.
so
mindless wishing
for things
that can't be had.
be glad.
be grateful
be ever so..
for what you do have.

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 06

#6 Missing

missing but not gone
missing but not forgotten
missing but here yet.
mind and heart but
not in hand..

not in holding or
in demand.
not in kisses
or embraces
not in conversation
or friendship
or care..
all withheld and missing.
but you are here.

missing but not gone
missing but not forgotten
missing but here yet.
mind and heart but
not in hand..

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 05

today's prompt was something to do with playing with Emily Dickinson's poetry.. but rather than using her words entirely as suggested and adding to them, I thought I'd start with 'because I could not stop for death' but with a modern angle, and go from there. As usual, it's crap but I'm trying. ;)

#5 Death Comes to Visit

Because I could not stop for death,
he kindly stopped for me.
He picked me up in his shiny
Prius, and purred on to Destiny..
He took me to the movies
and then to a musical show..
another night to dinner,
candles all aglow.
He took his time slowly,
telling me he could wait.
"Patience is a virtue, Dear..
when your time comes,
you'll never be late."


There's a time and place for everything.
much fun to be made,
and friendships to be had..
and the slow pain in the joints
doesn't mean anything truely bad.
and when he dropped me off,
he kissed my hand at the door..
for he had others yet to see.
despite it not being my time,
he'd be back.. eventually.

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 04

#4 chocolate rabbits

shiny gold,
delicious good.
hollow-not
but creme-filled.
savor
words and lovely,
kind and sweet.
different
and bright,
all individual
inside, if not out.
crafty,
lovely,
smart
and super cool.
goddess good,
rounding out..
smiling bright,
pleasant,
playful,
joyful singing..
super special..
lord of rings,
favorites all
best time spent..
gone the holiday.
never-mind.
words are meaningless,
go deeper yet.

today's prompt: not a love poem..

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 03

today's prompt is a fourteener.. no particular amount of lines but has to have fourteen sylables in each line. I'm lucky if I can come up with any sort of stuff for this.. for me the excercise is in trying to create something each day... trying to keep it simple. So instead you get a poem about squirrels. ;)


fourteen squirrels
fat as can be
run up and down and jump into a tree
fourteen squirrels
making life a misery..
fourteen squirrels.
OK..
maybe it was three..




fourteen squirrels on the Silver Jubilee bench keeping readers at bay

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 02

day 2 prompt is something about stars or constellations.. I never do things the way people expect me to. so I'll just do what popped it my head today.. obviously it needs work, but I don't think that is the point of these exercises..


#2 Moving Night


the stars never feel
the same
when moving through
the night.

I stand between the frosted hills
of the Grapevine..
South I know there's a pool of
friends and good times.
I can hear the noise of the LA
that exists
in my own experience
and the energy
that waits.

Toward the North, the valley
spreads out before me, in darkened
shadow and chill..
the dust of lights far away,
and a calm serenity alight.

we fill the tank
of the rental
grabbing some caffeine and chips
and we keep moving
onward..

there's a joy
in what is to come
and a sadness in what
is left behind.
Regardless of where we go,
the choices are what we make.

NaPoWriMo 2015: Day 01

Na po' what? National Poetry Writing Month..(here's their about page) a cousin of the nanowrimo.. (national novel writing month, which is in November!) The idea for this is 30 poems in 30 days in April.. well, that's something to blog about I suppose.. Can I do it?? I don't know if anyone can handle 30 days of #badpoetry hmmmm.. I don't know if I can come up with 30 days of #badpoetry but I guess I could try.. I'm already a day behind..

Yesterday's prompt was "to write a poem that involves describing something in terms of what it is not, or not like." While one probably doesn't have to do the prompt.. I'll go ahead & start it out with some word that pops in my head on my morning walks..






#1
The Doorstop

you thing
along the road forgot.
you thing
wasted, alone but not
remembered until
wanted and then
sought.
behind the door.
along the hall.
in the corner.
desired, then not.
keep in a drawer,
a bucket,
a closet,
nearby but not needed
not necessary til then
you are.. then not.
a brick.
a shoe.
a chair.
a block of wood.
a wedge, but only if
bought.. otherwise
refuse randomly accepted.
keep the door open.

The Kindest Heart

on what would have been your birthday.. Honorary Uncle



the kindest heart
i have known
beyond measure
has walked the earth
and then has gone..
father/ uncle/ mentor..
gift.
priest.
poet.
word scribe..
Wanderer.
answering doubt with hope
and love
and kind.
the kindest heart
fostered minds
fathering generations
beyond what
you may know..
readers/ writers/ adventurers
inspirer.
gift.
love.
lived.
endowed us all with
will
to truely live.
to give.
to become..
to trust
to know.
the kindest heart
I'll ever know.
who would have you
love
hope
be kind
and know joy..


and was mine
(ours..)


of all the questions I should have asked was "What do I do when I have questions I can no longer ask you?"