Sleepless Pondering

oh I should sleep..
I am stuck & unable to say
what I want:
to hug
or hope
or know..
just wait.
maybe bang my head against
a hard object..
oh but if it was
'truthful tuesday'
i would purge.
tell everyone
when i had the chance
i like them
i love them
(NOT in a physical way)
and i miss them
because i do.

names and faces
smiling, crying, joyful mourning;
running in great circular arcs,
a ticker-tape of memories & thoughts
emotion in my head..
never ending thoughts
and feelings..
simultaneously working
and breathing and
functioning with
all your
incoming broadcasts.


switching gears,
i'd wish i could be with you
and say
we really could be friends.
that things are better
in the end.
patience.
we could be silent
and read
or walk
or talk fearlessly.

the need to know, to be.
to know you trust me.
not just in words,
but actions..
but also
in heart and mind.

content.

to know we can be alone
and, or, but also
together
and pass some empty time;
being away..
getting to know you
and hope you don't mind
me..

Honestly.
the juxtaposition
of feelings and then
being told
'don't trust what they say'
(they aren't your friends)
don't be a fool..
hold back,
restrain..
save face.


shame-filled.
hurting-happy,
busting with heart
un-held, hugs un-given..
joyful wide-armed
gestures of joy..
kept to my sides.
NOT because i'm shy.
keep it silent still but
truly,
there is a love for people
here:
bigger, better, and clean..
just waiting
to be given..

boxing it up,
tissues in hand
to keep it from leaking.