Sleepless Pondering

oh I should sleep..
I am stuck & unable to say
what I want:
to hug
or hope
or know..
just wait.
maybe bang my head against
a hard object..
oh but if it was
'truthful tuesday'
i would purge.
tell everyone
when i had the chance
i like them
i love them
(NOT in a physical way)
and i miss them
because i do.

names and faces
smiling, crying, joyful mourning;
running in great circular arcs,
a ticker-tape of memories & thoughts
emotion in my head..
never ending thoughts
and feelings..
simultaneously working
and breathing and
functioning with
all your
incoming broadcasts.


switching gears,
i'd wish i could be with you
and say
we really could be friends.
that things are better
in the end.
patience.
we could be silent
and read
or walk
or talk fearlessly.

the need to know, to be.
to know you trust me.
not just in words,
but actions..
but also
in heart and mind.

content.

to know we can be alone
and, or, but also
together
and pass some empty time;
being away..
getting to know you
and hope you don't mind
me..

Honestly.
the juxtaposition
of feelings and then
being told
'don't trust what they say'
(they aren't your friends)
don't be a fool..
hold back,
restrain..
save face.


shame-filled.
hurting-happy,
busting with heart
un-held, hugs un-given..
joyful wide-armed
gestures of joy..
kept to my sides.
NOT because i'm shy.
keep it silent still but
truly,
there is a love for people
here:
bigger, better, and clean..
just waiting
to be given..

boxing it up,
tissues in hand
to keep it from leaking.

Things Remind Me

things remind me,
seize me suddenly
in one moment
I am blue.

one day at the bookstore,
camus,
but
especially sartre..
easy i 'get'..
but then other times..
random moments.
a book on cats,
impressionists or Mozart.
i try avoiding places
i know you'll be,
the children's floor,
a painting
behind a door..

still, yet..

someone but mentions you.
i'd want to cry, too easily.
random happy things,
sad things, crazy angry
too..(things
i'd want to tell you.)
thoughts and moments to share:
a crappy day,
a book I read..
a film about Paris.
a friend that made me
think of you..
random pears and tartes,
and violins.

questioning history
so much to share.
a spare thought
or millions..

happy-grief-bliss
passing like mist
through a foggy veil.
I get the lonelies..
then I trip
on my shoe..
my heart stops,
I know not what to do..
remembering suddenly
(even 8 years later..)
you aren't there.

oh! how i still miss you!